When Good Help is Bad
As a professional coach, you have some expertise in your particular subject matter or industry: Time management, productivity, family life, business, whatever. But a lot of coaching involves psychology and helping to guide a client through the psychological complexities of the particular area you are coaching in. There is one part of coaching that we coaches face all the time which we are not really prepared to address, but which psychologists deal with frequently: Enablers.
An enabler is someone whose actions or words make it possible for your client – or even encourages them – to do something that they shouldn't do. A classic example is the parent who believes that disciplining their child will only hamper their ability to grow creatively and thus they encourage and enable their children towards bad behavior because the children crave the attention and loving guidance they need from their parents.
Your clients have enablers, too. Maybe you have a client with poor time management skills who has a friend that calls them up and needs help through crises. That friend's crises – which seem critically urgent – enable your client to put aside anything scheduled for the seemingly more important crisis. Or maybe you have a client who is scared to sell and has come to you for help. Perhaps they have a friend who is also a weak salesperson and has a million reasons ("excuses") why their sales are not very good.
Spotting these enablers is not easy and breaking their hold on your client is even harder. These enablers are often people who are very close to your client and who are highly trusted. And their advice seems to your client like very wise advice. To spot these enablers, talk to your clients about the times that they want to do something but don't and listen for the same names to come up again and again. Obviously the mere mention of the name isn't an indicator itself, so you need to find out who your client is close to and explore the impact they have on your client's ability to act: How do those friends influence a client. Remember: An enabler will be perceived to be a positive influence on a client's life even though their enabling is often having a negative consequence.
Dealing with these enablers. You won't be successful at dealing with these enablers by telling your client that their friends are enablers. In fact, you'll probably drive clients away. Instead, you should help them to create boundaries and a framework of responses and reactions when an enabler guides them incorrectly. Help them to trust themselves first and foremost and to build a filter through which they accept all advice.
For example, in the time management situation mentioned above, you might consider helping your client to find ways of saying "I can't speak right now. Can we talk later?" Or in the sales example, consider showing your client how their own successes aren't matching with what their friend is saying.
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- When Clients Have Poisonous Peers
- Parent Coaching Part II
- Should You Coach Your Friends and Family?
- Getting Referrals
- Time Management Coaching Resource
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